Thursday, September 15, 2011

Diagnosis: Ohrwurm!

Dr. GH Lively: “Bah! I have that d*mn Kylie song stuck in my head now... Do you know how frustrating it is to have something like that that you just can’t get rid of?!”

[looks at the patient’s chart]

GH: “Ok, maybe you do... Let’s do a deal, I’ll help you get rid of your thing if you help me get rid of this! Deal?”

Unhealthy-and-only-slightly-attractive-patient: “Do you want me to sing you another song?”

GH: “What?! No. The only song that’ll replace this is an equally, if not more, annoying song! How would that help? NURSE!!!” 

[Nurse runs in]

Not-As-Hot-A-Nurse-As-Was-Expected: “Yes, Doctor?”

GH: “Can we get a radio in here? One that’s not tuned in to some radio station that’s ever had a branded bus or car parked outside?”

[Nurse Exits, muttering profanities under her breath]

GH: “You know, I’m not so sure that she recognizes music without half a dozen cocktails in her system and cover charge to get in here........ Right, where were we? Ah, yes, the diagnosis! Well, you don’t look too good, I can say that for a start.”

Patient-who-looks-less-attractive-with-a-furrowed-brow: “Is it serious?”

GH: “That depends, do you use sun beds? Or is this from a bottle?”

Patient: “What? No, it’s from sunbathing.”

GH: “Really? Interesting? I’d expect a woman who looks like you do to have spent more time indoors... Maybe that's where you picked up this tapeworm. 'Outside'.”

Patient: "Tapeworm?!"

GH: "Yeah, gross."

[Exit GH]

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Diagnosis: You Just Got Surge'd!

Dr. GH Lively: It's not just the government who're making big cuts around here!

He produces a worn looking scalpel]

Nurse (a generous 6 out of 10):
Doctor! Where did you get that scalpel?! That wasn't from this set!

She points down to the tray of sterilized equipment]

This? This scalpel, my dear nurse, was my father's scalpel. I remember the day that I graduated medical school he said to me, he said "Son, it never hurts to have another set of prints on a blade" and then he gave this to me blade first. I was careful not to harm myself then, and I'm trained enough not to harm this person now.
Nurse Blah-Blah-Rules-This-Blah-Blah-Hygiene-That: It's not sterile, you can't use it in here!
GH: Nurse, if I were you I'd be more concerned that you look like you've half-inhaled your surgical mask up one of your nostrils as opposed to harping on about "Doctor, where did you get that rusty scalpel?" It's not like I walked in here with a potato peeler, this is a scalpel-

He raises the scalpel]

GH: - and that there is a patient who cares about results, d*mmit! How clean the tools I use are and just how many cotton buds I leave inside him are incidental to the fact that he needs this surgery.
Nurse: Doctor Lively, stop what you're doing right now! Leave the theatre. 
GH: No, Nurse... Mc... Has-A-Name.... whatever-it-is.... You leave the theatre! Because nagging isn't going to heal this patient, surgery is.

Dr. Lively assumes a fencing stance and salutes his patient]

Last chance, nurse, either get out of call "Play!" on this thing.