Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Fatal Analysis

GH Lively: As surprising as it may sound, there's nothing more that I can do. She’s gone. Get her to the coroner, let’s see what he has to say.


Hans Von Koroner: I dunno, I’d say she’s a 6 or, if I was generous, I’d say 7.
GH: Generous? Look at her cheekbones? She’s got great features...
HVK: Cheekbones?! More like the bones from whatever animal she was devouring when she croaked.
GH: That’s a little harsh.
HVK: Look, why are you even down here? If you want a go of this girl before I put her in the freezer you’ve come to the wrong place. I run a tight ship, and regardless of how these girls lived their lives they stay tight after they’ve passed away too.
GH: Ugh, jesus! I've got patients to check on.
HVK: And the hot ones to check out?
GH: The hot ones don’t check out until after I’ve seen them.
HVK: ‘Check out’ as in leave...? Or ‘check out’ as in ‘my job’? [points to examination table]

[GH leaves]

HVK: Huh, guess I’ll find out soon enough! [turns to corpse] right, I’ll file you with the rest of the sevens. [begins moving the gurney towards a wall labelled “cold hotties”.]

[end scene]

Monday, June 14, 2010

Diagnostic Criteria for Love-Making: Not Met.

[Dr. Lively enters the room where a young woman is anxiously awaiting her test results.]

GH: I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news? I’m taking you out to dinner on Saturday night. The bad? I won’t be putting out, you have herpes.
[the woman sits in stunned silence]
GH: I get off work at 7, so you can pick me up then. Oh, and I see a lot of patients, so be sure to remind me what I diagnosed you with before we crack open any wine at the table.

[Saturday night, at the dinner table]

GH: ... and THAT'S why CSI: Miami is a more accurate depiction of crime scene forensics than Grey's Anatomy is of practicing doctors. I know, I know, crazy thought, right? But CSI has a loose connection to the facts, either the lab equipment really does spew out detailed and accurate results instantaneously, in which case they'd have an abundance of free time each day to p*ss about and get emotionally involved with every case that crosses their desk; or the lab equipment DOESN'T work that fast AT ALL, so with all their free time waiting they may as well call around to each person involved and say "Hey."
Richelle: ...
GH: Now, Grey's Anatomy, they're supposed to be doctors. I don't have as much free time as they do. No-one does. Do you know how many sick people are in a hospital? Loads! We have rooms full of them. Injured people too, I swear, some people are basically one more stupid decision away from being the problem of "a higher authority", if you know what i mean.
Richelle: Yes, I think I-
GH: I mean "dead"! the higher authority is "God" who, incidentally, doesn't do his job half as well as I do his job. So I have to do His job and fill out paperwork, prescriptions, do rounds, and I don't have the time every day to 'share' some whiny feelings before shacking up with the first Resident I catch a sniff of. Personal business on personal time. Which is why I'm here on this date with you.
Richelle: ...
GH: Actually, remind me again how we met?
Richelle: I was in for some test results earlier this week and-
GH: And...? What tests? Oh, the herpes, right? Is that flaring up now?
Richelle: That's a little inappropriate-
GH: No, it's cool, i'm a doctor. I'm your doctor. Anything you don't tell me I can just go and look up on your chart anyway. Actually... [looks at his half glass of wine] I'm feeling a little headachey and might have to leave soon; you know how it is, saving people all week? What do you do again?
Richelle: Well, i'm a teacher.
GH: Okay, so you mightn't know how it is, but I'm sure there's a book you can read somewhere that'll tell you. Can I get a lift home? Oh, and can we swing by the hospital first? I want to check your chart and see if i should be inviting you in for coffee after.

[end scene]

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Diagnosis: Sexy

Diagnosis: Sexy
Featuring Dr. G.H. Lively, the first doctor legally prohibited from saying “Lively by name, Lively by nature”.
And some other doctors as unwitting comic foils!
And featuring nurses in non-regulation nurses uniforms!

GH: Hey, Nurse, let’s ratchet up a few notches on my bed-post, eh?
Nurse: ...
GH: Nurse? Ratchet? Something flying over or into your cuckoos nest? Fine, do you have the chart for that really ugly patient in bed 25? I’m supposed to prescribe something, or discharge her or something, I dunno, I’m goin’ to lunch.
Nurse: It’s only 11am?
GH: Fine, I’ll check out some patients. [hands nurse a stack of charts] Here, sort out the ugos and give me the rest.