Thursday, July 15, 2010

Diagnosis: Submerged!

Chris: I told you this was a bad idea; just because you have the money to do something doesn't mean that you SHOULD do it.

[they look off shore, a titanic wooden vessel was almost completely submerged]

Chris: But, here's something, you successfully killed 2 of every creature in the world!
Dr. GH Lively: Except fish... and aquatic mammals.
Chris: Well, I'm sure the ark crushed something under there.
GH: Hey! They're not all dead!

[He points to the the hull where some animals were scurrying back and forth.]

Chris: Do you want to take the life-boat over to help them?
GH: This boat barely fits the 2 of us! You really think we have room for that gorilla?!

[the gorilla was pounding it's knuckles on the boat, roaring.]

Chris: Probably not. No, probably not.
GH: Plus, I’m a doctor, d*mmit, not a vet! [Looks at his watch] Ah, cr*p, I should probably be at the hospital. Actually, let’s row over there and see if we can get one of the bunnies.
Chris: To bring to the children’s ward?
GH: Please, call it by its technical name! The Single Mother Buffett. And yes.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Diagnosis: Pantslexia!

[Scene: A crowded bar.]

GH: Pull up your trousers!
Chris: But, I thought there was a prerequisite amount of nudity necessary before a doctor sees someone?
GH: Well, that's generally kept within business hours [
Points to his watch] in an examination room [Indicating to the crowded bar] with someone who cares, or is financially motivated to care, about your well-being [Finishes his beer] So, not now, here or me.
Chris: Oh... i just thought, you know, you’re my friend, man. I thought you might be able to help me and... [
He begin welling up with tears]
Passing Woman: Excuse me, are you alright?
Chris: I have a problem...
GH: Chris!
Chris: It's ok, Lively... I don't want to hide it anymore!
GH: You might want to.
The woman stares harshly at GH]
The Now Stationary Woman: It’s OK.
Chris: It's like i was telling the doctor... [
He gestures at GH] I... [sighs]
The 'Still There' Woman: Go on.
Chris: [
Throwing his trousers down to the floor and yelling] I can't read!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Genetics: Unicorns Explained! “Bioperversity!”

[Dr. G.H. Lively leads several students to a private enclosure]

GH: I'm telling you, THiS is where they come from.
Hot Student 1: One question...?
GH: I'll allow one.
Slightly Hotter Latino-ish Student 2: How do you know it's a boy 'horse' and a girl 'rhino' that gives the right match?
GH: And not a girl 'horse' and a boy 'rhino'? That's a good question; but I always assumed that the rhino would crush the horse when it was mounted, or at least shatter it's pelvis with its thrusting... if not its ejaculation.
[They watch the animals enter the enclosure.]

Student Who-Might-Be-Hot-If-She-Did-Something-With-Her-Hair 3: And if this doesn't work?
GH: That's crazy-talk! But, if it comes to that I've made sure to pair the pony with a less aggressive female rhino...
Hot Student 1: Less aggressive?
GH: Yeah, sometimes rhinos freak out when another animal tries to mount them... it's a shame. Well, they f**k or they fight- either way we get a show.