Thursday, September 15, 2011

Diagnosis: Ohrwurm!

Dr. GH Lively: “Bah! I have that d*mn Kylie song stuck in my head now... Do you know how frustrating it is to have something like that that you just can’t get rid of?!”

[looks at the patient’s chart]

GH: “Ok, maybe you do... Let’s do a deal, I’ll help you get rid of your thing if you help me get rid of this! Deal?”

Unhealthy-and-only-slightly-attractive-patient: “Do you want me to sing you another song?”

GH: “What?! No. The only song that’ll replace this is an equally, if not more, annoying song! How would that help? NURSE!!!” 

[Nurse runs in]

Not-As-Hot-A-Nurse-As-Was-Expected: “Yes, Doctor?”

GH: “Can we get a radio in here? One that’s not tuned in to some radio station that’s ever had a branded bus or car parked outside?”

[Nurse Exits, muttering profanities under her breath]

GH: “You know, I’m not so sure that she recognizes music without half a dozen cocktails in her system and cover charge to get in here........ Right, where were we? Ah, yes, the diagnosis! Well, you don’t look too good, I can say that for a start.”

Patient-who-looks-less-attractive-with-a-furrowed-brow: “Is it serious?”

GH: “That depends, do you use sun beds? Or is this from a bottle?”

Patient: “What? No, it’s from sunbathing.”

GH: “Really? Interesting? I’d expect a woman who looks like you do to have spent more time indoors... Maybe that's where you picked up this tapeworm. 'Outside'.”

Patient: "Tapeworm?!"

GH: "Yeah, gross."

[Exit GH]

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Diagnosis: You Just Got Surge'd!

Dr. GH Lively: It's not just the government who're making big cuts around here!

He produces a worn looking scalpel]

Nurse (a generous 6 out of 10):
Doctor! Where did you get that scalpel?! That wasn't from this set!

She points down to the tray of sterilized equipment]

This? This scalpel, my dear nurse, was my father's scalpel. I remember the day that I graduated medical school he said to me, he said "Son, it never hurts to have another set of prints on a blade" and then he gave this to me blade first. I was careful not to harm myself then, and I'm trained enough not to harm this person now.
Nurse Blah-Blah-Rules-This-Blah-Blah-Hygiene-That: It's not sterile, you can't use it in here!
GH: Nurse, if I were you I'd be more concerned that you look like you've half-inhaled your surgical mask up one of your nostrils as opposed to harping on about "Doctor, where did you get that rusty scalpel?" It's not like I walked in here with a potato peeler, this is a scalpel-

He raises the scalpel]

GH: - and that there is a patient who cares about results, d*mmit! How clean the tools I use are and just how many cotton buds I leave inside him are incidental to the fact that he needs this surgery.
Nurse: Doctor Lively, stop what you're doing right now! Leave the theatre. 
GH: No, Nurse... Mc... Has-A-Name.... whatever-it-is.... You leave the theatre! Because nagging isn't going to heal this patient, surgery is.

Dr. Lively assumes a fencing stance and salutes his patient]

Last chance, nurse, either get out of call "Play!" on this thing.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Diagnosis: Submerged!

Chris: I told you this was a bad idea; just because you have the money to do something doesn't mean that you SHOULD do it.

[they look off shore, a titanic wooden vessel was almost completely submerged]

Chris: But, here's something, you successfully killed 2 of every creature in the world!
Dr. GH Lively: Except fish... and aquatic mammals.
Chris: Well, I'm sure the ark crushed something under there.
GH: Hey! They're not all dead!

[He points to the the hull where some animals were scurrying back and forth.]

Chris: Do you want to take the life-boat over to help them?
GH: This boat barely fits the 2 of us! You really think we have room for that gorilla?!

[the gorilla was pounding it's knuckles on the boat, roaring.]

Chris: Probably not. No, probably not.
GH: Plus, I’m a doctor, d*mmit, not a vet! [Looks at his watch] Ah, cr*p, I should probably be at the hospital. Actually, let’s row over there and see if we can get one of the bunnies.
Chris: To bring to the children’s ward?
GH: Please, call it by its technical name! The Single Mother Buffett. And yes.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Diagnosis: Pantslexia!

[Scene: A crowded bar.]

GH: Pull up your trousers!
Chris: But, I thought there was a prerequisite amount of nudity necessary before a doctor sees someone?
GH: Well, that's generally kept within business hours [
Points to his watch] in an examination room [Indicating to the crowded bar] with someone who cares, or is financially motivated to care, about your well-being [Finishes his beer] So, not now, here or me.
Chris: Oh... i just thought, you know, you’re my friend, man. I thought you might be able to help me and... [
He begin welling up with tears]
Passing Woman: Excuse me, are you alright?
Chris: I have a problem...
GH: Chris!
Chris: It's ok, Lively... I don't want to hide it anymore!
GH: You might want to.
The woman stares harshly at GH]
The Now Stationary Woman: It’s OK.
Chris: It's like i was telling the doctor... [
He gestures at GH] I... [sighs]
The 'Still There' Woman: Go on.
Chris: [
Throwing his trousers down to the floor and yelling] I can't read!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Genetics: Unicorns Explained! “Bioperversity!”

[Dr. G.H. Lively leads several students to a private enclosure]

GH: I'm telling you, THiS is where they come from.
Hot Student 1: One question...?
GH: I'll allow one.
Slightly Hotter Latino-ish Student 2: How do you know it's a boy 'horse' and a girl 'rhino' that gives the right match?
GH: And not a girl 'horse' and a boy 'rhino'? That's a good question; but I always assumed that the rhino would crush the horse when it was mounted, or at least shatter it's pelvis with its thrusting... if not its ejaculation.
[They watch the animals enter the enclosure.]

Student Who-Might-Be-Hot-If-She-Did-Something-With-Her-Hair 3: And if this doesn't work?
GH: That's crazy-talk! But, if it comes to that I've made sure to pair the pony with a less aggressive female rhino...
Hot Student 1: Less aggressive?
GH: Yeah, sometimes rhinos freak out when another animal tries to mount them... it's a shame. Well, they f**k or they fight- either way we get a show.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Fatal Analysis

GH Lively: As surprising as it may sound, there's nothing more that I can do. She’s gone. Get her to the coroner, let’s see what he has to say.


Hans Von Koroner: I dunno, I’d say she’s a 6 or, if I was generous, I’d say 7.
GH: Generous? Look at her cheekbones? She’s got great features...
HVK: Cheekbones?! More like the bones from whatever animal she was devouring when she croaked.
GH: That’s a little harsh.
HVK: Look, why are you even down here? If you want a go of this girl before I put her in the freezer you’ve come to the wrong place. I run a tight ship, and regardless of how these girls lived their lives they stay tight after they’ve passed away too.
GH: Ugh, jesus! I've got patients to check on.
HVK: And the hot ones to check out?
GH: The hot ones don’t check out until after I’ve seen them.
HVK: ‘Check out’ as in leave...? Or ‘check out’ as in ‘my job’? [points to examination table]

[GH leaves]

HVK: Huh, guess I’ll find out soon enough! [turns to corpse] right, I’ll file you with the rest of the sevens. [begins moving the gurney towards a wall labelled “cold hotties”.]

[end scene]

Monday, June 14, 2010

Diagnostic Criteria for Love-Making: Not Met.

[Dr. Lively enters the room where a young woman is anxiously awaiting her test results.]

GH: I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news? I’m taking you out to dinner on Saturday night. The bad? I won’t be putting out, you have herpes.
[the woman sits in stunned silence]
GH: I get off work at 7, so you can pick me up then. Oh, and I see a lot of patients, so be sure to remind me what I diagnosed you with before we crack open any wine at the table.

[Saturday night, at the dinner table]

GH: ... and THAT'S why CSI: Miami is a more accurate depiction of crime scene forensics than Grey's Anatomy is of practicing doctors. I know, I know, crazy thought, right? But CSI has a loose connection to the facts, either the lab equipment really does spew out detailed and accurate results instantaneously, in which case they'd have an abundance of free time each day to p*ss about and get emotionally involved with every case that crosses their desk; or the lab equipment DOESN'T work that fast AT ALL, so with all their free time waiting they may as well call around to each person involved and say "Hey."
Richelle: ...
GH: Now, Grey's Anatomy, they're supposed to be doctors. I don't have as much free time as they do. No-one does. Do you know how many sick people are in a hospital? Loads! We have rooms full of them. Injured people too, I swear, some people are basically one more stupid decision away from being the problem of "a higher authority", if you know what i mean.
Richelle: Yes, I think I-
GH: I mean "dead"! the higher authority is "God" who, incidentally, doesn't do his job half as well as I do his job. So I have to do His job and fill out paperwork, prescriptions, do rounds, and I don't have the time every day to 'share' some whiny feelings before shacking up with the first Resident I catch a sniff of. Personal business on personal time. Which is why I'm here on this date with you.
Richelle: ...
GH: Actually, remind me again how we met?
Richelle: I was in for some test results earlier this week and-
GH: And...? What tests? Oh, the herpes, right? Is that flaring up now?
Richelle: That's a little inappropriate-
GH: No, it's cool, i'm a doctor. I'm your doctor. Anything you don't tell me I can just go and look up on your chart anyway. Actually... [looks at his half glass of wine] I'm feeling a little headachey and might have to leave soon; you know how it is, saving people all week? What do you do again?
Richelle: Well, i'm a teacher.
GH: Okay, so you mightn't know how it is, but I'm sure there's a book you can read somewhere that'll tell you. Can I get a lift home? Oh, and can we swing by the hospital first? I want to check your chart and see if i should be inviting you in for coffee after.

[end scene]